When beauty outweighs all else

Maybe you've been to the depths of despair, wondering if anyone cares about you. Did someone reach out and let you know your value? Maybe you know someone who has been without a place to live, or without their next meal. Did you let them stay on your couch and eat your food?

I want to introduce you to a bunch of big hearts. This is Team 314 (www.team314.org), they have been on the road for 2.5 months, raising awareness about youth homelessness with the goal to #endyouthhomelessness. Jordan (the fella with the beard) is actually running across the country, 40 miles a day, 5 days a week. In the midst of an argumentative America, some really incredible things are happening! Here's a man with extreme discipline and selflessness. Here's a Team of people who love the cause more than they desire to be comfortable in their day to day lives. For example, Hector misses home, he's from Florida. They are devoted and determined to BE THE CHANGE they want to SEE in the world. What a beautiful example for us, I am highly encouraged on a daily basis by the endeavor they've taken on. It's as though "giving up" or "quitting" are no longer options. I mean, for crying out loud, I am not running 40 miles a day- everything else seems rather minor in comparison. And of course, Team 314 sees what they are doing as minor in comparison to what the 2.8 million youth who are homeless in American have to endure on a daily basis.

Team 314 is "Running so they don't have to."

Where the Journey Began: Team 314 in NYC September 15, 2012

At the Safe Place, 24 hour help for teens, in Louisville KY. Imparting HOPE

Kendall, me, Jordan, Jayme, Michelle at Synergy in North Kansas City: November 4, 2012.

Card board testimonies that Team 314 has collected along their journey from teens who are without a home.

Jordan on his 60 MILE run (he usually only runs 40 MILES), more than half way across the country.
Titus 3:14 "Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order to provide for urgent needs and not live unproductive lives."



So, it is December 4th, 2012 and Team 314 is now in New Mexico. Their goal is to reach the Santa Monica Pier on New Year's Eve.
My hope is that you have become familiar with what they are doing and that you will make a small sacrifice to join the fight to #endyouthhomelessness. What ever that sacrifice looks like for you, make it! Check out their website at www.team314.org and donate a dollar or $100,000- they'll name the library after you- in the youth center they plan to open in Union, Missouri.  "Like" them on facebook at "Team 314". Tweet @Team314... I do not tweet, but you may! All I know is, I believe in what they are doing.

Showing up for LIFE

 

 

Stephanie, 28, Shawnee, Kansas

So this is a POST in response to "Kelly's Korner- Show us your singles"

 

Just plain cheese'n. This was taken at a Christmas party 2 years ago when I was a campus minister.

 

This is the most recent one, taken August 2012. I love the outdoors and animals!

A friend needed a "model" to practice using new lighting, I had a blast goofing around!!! I do enjoy making faces, I have taken a lot of people off guard with some of my facial expressions. Must be a gift from God, because half the time I don't even realize I'm making a funny face.

 

Here I am enjoying the Atlantic during a visit to NC at the end of May 2012

 

 

If you look carefully, you'll see me at the top. This was a couple of weeks ago while at a church retreat. Too bad I didn't get a snapshot of the bull's eye I hit during archery... surprised myself (beginner's luck for sure)!

 

I do show up for life, and it has been extraordinarily meaningful thus far,

so I am excited about what's to come!

Hello, my name is Stephanie and I am pleased for the possible chance of maybe making your acquaintance. I am a daughter, sister, and friend to many. My church family is rather large and stretches throughout most of NC, and now I have a family of believers here in Kansas. I relocated to Kansas August of 2011, so I am still pretty much learning things about my new territory on a daily basis. This past year has given me several curve balls, all of which have grown my faith and given me a greater gratitude for my heavenly Father.
I've been told: "you have a great sense of humor"; "you are mature and wise beyond your years"; "you're brave". I have been hearing "you're brave" a lot lately, probably because I don't have anything to lose, I have a ton to gain, so I just get out there and enjoy every opportunity. I am a great communicator, very social and fun. I love the outdoors (walks, runs, kayaking, horse back riding, biking) and sweet tea. Jesus is the center of my life and my everything. He took my rags and has turned them into riches. I have been living a life set apart for Him since January 21st 2006. I always believed in God, but didn't really understand what Jesus had done for me until college.
I am currently a Crisis Stabilization House Staff with a local mental health agency, but am working my way up toward being a substance abuse counselor to put my Masters degrees to good use. My passion is simple- help kids get and stay off drugs. I volunteer at the Juvenile Detention Center, sharing a message of hope. I know Jesus is in the business of setting people free, so I desire to join Him in that cause. After all, He put that desire in my heart. He has also put the desire to marry and have children in my heart, so I am taking a step in faith here. I am looking to be "equally yoked" with a man who has a strong faith in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

There are some moments in life that take my breath away. On July 3^rd 2012 I had the privilege of experiencing TWO of these moments.

My third, beautiful, nephew (Jackson) was born first thing in the morning and I received several pictures and updates thanks to my brother and sister-in-law. I had a pretty busy day as I am a full-time nanny and the 5 year old I watch keeps ALL of my attention. But, once Jack (the 5 year old) was asleep during naptime, I had a moment to realize just how FAR away I am from the new baby. I felt a pain that touched my bones as I studied a photo of Jackson’s little self!
I wondered, “Why am I in Kansas?”

It was about 5 hours later that I received an ANSWER.

The second experience that took my breath away… I began volunteering to take HOPE into the Johnson County Juvenile Detention Center. And although there were only two girls who showed up to hear what I had to share, ONE of them was a girl I’d spent 6 months with at my previous job, the group home for troubled teens. I was not necessarily surprised, but I was blown away by God’s perfect timing. I was floored by the fact that I am EXACTLY WHERE I NEED TO BE!

Holding onto the wrong things

What's so difficult about letting go? Let me share with you the pattern I'm recognizing as my attempt to control the amount of pain I'm willing to experience at a certain time. God tells me that He won't give me more than I can handle. I tell Him, well yea, but let me help you out... I'm not willing to deal with that right now. And He lets me go a while being in the driver's seat. But He loves me too much to let me stay there. I have selfishly taken measures to numb my mind. Yes, my job is exhausting and I struggle to turn off my mind. But in the process of numbing my mind, I have blocked out a potential to heal. Or maybe I've got it all wrong, I am human and I am bound to fall and fail- well duh! So maybe it's just God's perfect timing. He knew I needed 5 months to adjust after all heck breaking loose. And now that I am settled in, I'm able to grieve and heal.
Yes, I am sleep deprived and more susceptible to crying. Yes, I am at the 6 year mark of my new life in Christ and sobriety- this too can make me more sensitive. But with these facts aside, I am L I T E R A L L Y, just now processing my Grandpa's passing.
Oh how the good Lord does use people in my life to help me in the process of letting go. You see, the other day I met an older gentleman who reminded me of my Grandpa Darley. I have always LOVED my Grandpa Darley. We never lived in the same state, so our visits were always jammed packed with fun and love.The last time I saw him was for my brother's wedding in December of 2006. And I'm sad he won't be at my wedding.

Why have I kept myself so insanely busy that I couldn't possibly take a moment to grieve the loss of my Grandpa? Probably because I am simply doing the best I can with what I've got. He passed August 20th, his health had been declining for quite some time. I called him a lot toward the end (super grateful about that) and he was no longer himself. And so when he did pass I wrapped all my emotions in the neat small package of 'it's for the best, he was miserable anyway'. Not to mention I was in the back seat of my own car, Kendall was driving and Jayme was in the passenger's seat. We were trying to find me a home in Missouri seeing as how we'd realized the night before that my "living quarters" at my "new job" were unfit. So yes, my life was a bit topsy turvy.
Next question: why am I blogging about this and not just sticking it in my journal? Not sure, maybe my thoughts will help someone. This life is not my own. It is His, the Lord of Lord's.

How falling apart builds others up.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
All my life I have struggled with the desire (or, actually, the lie from the pit of hell) to be perfect. In the past few weeks I have dealt with a ton of stress, worry, anxiety, self-pity, and self-righteousness... bad combo, I wouldn't try this at home! Last week I was with a group of people who gather for the common purpose of living a better life, one day at a time. I sat amongst my friends, pondering 'What's the deal Steph? What's wrong with you?' Then it hit me. In an effort to 'have it all together' (one of perfection's many faces) I had placed the expectation on myself that 'I should be well adjusted'.
Instead of giving myself grace and mercy, instead of being easy on me during this first holiday season 1200 miles away from home; away from my bff who just happens to be preparing for one of the most important and exciting days of her life (being a long distance Maid of Honor); away from my 4 year old, and 9 month old nephews; healing from losing a job and umm, BEGINNING another job; moving several times; and praising God through it all because He is Mighty and worthy of my adoration. Yuup, I SHOULD be fine, I should be well adjusted... what I really need is to quit "shoulding" all over myself. How's about loving myself, encouraging myself, letting other's words of affirmation sink in.
So, back to the meeting where this revelation hit me. A girl came up to me afterward, to give me a hug because I was crying and falling apart. She told me, "Stephanie, this is the second time I have looked at you from across the room and thought to myself, 'look at her, she's moved all the way from NC and is doing so well, I've only moved from an hour away, I need to be more like her'" This is where I cut her off and inserted, "I am so glad that my mess can prove to you that perfection is not the goal." We laughed together and processed the deep truth of the fact that perfection is a form of insanity. A week has passed now, she and I went out for lunch today to further our conversation. She's just 21 years old and is thankful I'm in her life. My willingness to be brutally honest about my experiences encourages others. Who'd a thunk it?
What a relief to be a real, genuine person today. How nice it is to 'let it all hang out', the Lord blesses me with ample opportunities to remain humble. Others can relate to my mess, not to a false ideal of who I think I should be. I ask the Lord to use me, and He is so faithful. I am not to place parameters on what "Lord, use me" is going to look like. It turns out "The foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." (1 Corinthians 1:25).
I think that's all I wanted to say. It takes what it takes to get where I'm going. I hope you'll press in to what God's doing in your life.

Really bad things happen to really good people

I believe Jesus is perfect, when it comes to being good, He's the best you'll come by. Jesus was betrayed by one of His closest friends (ouch), He was captured and tortured (double ouch), and then killed (super ouch). He was seperated from Himself, from His Father God, for the first time since the beginning. Jesus and God had been sharing everything in the way of GLORY until He came to take on the sins of the world. Jesus experienced a hard life in human form, to ultimately die so that I (we) may have life here on Earth and for eternity. I get to spend eternity with my Savior becasue some really crappy things happened to Him.
Yesterday as I read John 13: 26-30, 26 Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 27 As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” 28 But no one at the meal understood why Jesus said this to him. 29 Since Judas had charge of the money, some thought Jesus was telling him to buy what was needed for the festival, or to give something to the poor. 30 As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.
I tried to put myself in the disciples shoes, I wonder if they beat themselves up for not paying closer attention, if they thought back to this encounter and wished they could have done more, if they felt helpless looking back on it. I think I would have tried to beat up Judas or something... BUT it was the will of God. Things can look bad but be the will of God.
In my own life, I'm told I am a good person. I'm reminded of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, patience, and self-control. You see, I am a good person, God has given me the fruit of His Spirit, so I am full of goodness! Today, I'm able to appreciate the trials and tribulation I recently endured. I now realize God had to get me to Kansas somehow! But in the midst of the waiting back in NC for a job... and traveling half way across the country to lose the job, wait some more for another job and be challenged in many ways, I couldn't help but ask, "why is this crap happening to me?"  There was a period of several weeks where I questioned His will and His ways, just as I am sure the disciples questioned Jesus for surrendering so easily and God for allowing Him to die. OH but the consequesnces were many AND His glory was revealed when He came back to walk with them for 40 more days and THEN He sent His Holy Spirit.
Here is where I come to the conclusion, bad things must happen to good people. I had to be tested to make sure there was goodness at the core of my being, if everything is easy going and simple how will we ever know if we're actually good? If I am never tested, how will people see the goodness in me as I face rough times. How will they tell us believers apart from any ol person?
The girls at the House of Hope, where I have been employed and walking in my destiny for several weeks now feel as though they are being tortured. They will one day look back on their experience and see that they've been set free from the chains like Daniel- refined by fire. Let the burning begin!
Another point I'd like to explore from John 13 is verse 27 "As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him." How often are we in the presence of someone who we've been walking alongside for years and evil enters them? Rhetorical question, just something to think about. And worse yet, Jesus gave him the bread that allowed Satan to enter... are you willing to follow God's plan for your life? Even if it means doing something contrary to popular belief?
Wow, I'm walking in my destiny... that's a bold statement. And how cool to know about it while it's happening. What a blessing to be present for the blessing. I don't have to wait and look back on it to enjoy it. Here are the words of prophecy I received from the International House of Prayer:
(August 23)You’re such a special treasure, the Lord has gifted you with the ability to love well. You can love well, a lover of him and others. Are you married? He’s given you the ability to love other well, and be a faithful servant. Lay your life down in that place of service, giving of your heart, self, and time. Such a treasure to the Lord the way you do that and into giving to Him. New season ahead, shifting you into new things, awakening in your heart. Stirring your heart for Him, a new hunger for Him. Unlock the gifts of the Spirit, greater dimensions moving in the Spirit, healing and prophecy.
Ministry opportunities, a clarity in calling and direction,“what exactly am I supposed to do?” You don’t get all the information at once, but the Lord is laying things out for you to run in that direction.
A picture of you hiking, on an adventure exploring new territory. Paving the way for the next generation. The Lord is going to bring you to a place of working with children who are spiritual orphans, parents are there but didn’t provide spiritual place to grow. He’s taking you to work with those kids, I’m paving/ leading the way for them so they can have the Spiritual life their parents didn’t give them. He’s leading me on that in this next season. It’s going to be a really good time, there’s a lot of joy. I’m not scared at all, even though I am hiking alone, because this is for them this is so good there’s joy in it and I’m confident that the Lord is leading me to the right place where I need to be.
Opportunities ministry wise in the South. Southern US or Mexican region.
(August 30)Precious to HIm, my little girl, I like her a lot, she’s fun, I like to spend time with her, I like when she opens the Word it’s exciting I get to talk to her and use my words I like how she thinks and enjoys little quirks, she sees things differently from others, brings it back to me we talk about it and go deep. Word studies are natural for me, it’ll stand out and I’ll look it up and I’ll go deeper, prayer room, walks, whatever I do He enjoys it. Psalm 1:3 a tree planted by the rivers that brings forth it’s fruit, whatever he does shall prosper. Interesting picture: your heart with a dark swirl around you, even at your legs you feel tied, you feel a darkness around you but the Lord wants to encourage you that there’s a breakthrough coming, keep contending in that place for the breakthrough. In the midst of the swirl and darkness as the breakthrough comes there’s an invitation, grace from God for another level of holiness. There might be different areas He speaks to you about- invitations from Him, as you fight and contend for this breakthrough, there’s grace for it. The kingdom of heaven suffers, but the violent take it by force. the Lord will give you grace to contend, pray in the Spirit, when we don’t have the strength, we ask Holy Spirit will you help me. He’ll give you the practicals of learning how to fight, an equipping season, the weapons for our right hand or left, and even though it’s dark you’ll come out thankful for all that He did during this time.
God read my mail up one side and down the other, He gave me hope when I was in a dry and weary land. Oh how He loves us!
And then there are the videos I have from friends back in NC, I asked them to sit in front of my laptop and say nice things... which hurt to listen to when I felt let down... but after watching them the other day I can see how prophetic they are. Speaking of NC, I miss my friends. Who would have thought that the day I became Jayme's maid of honor, something we'd been planning for years (we just needed her husband in the equation), that I'd have to carry out that task from such a distance? But God knows what He's doing, even if I don't have a clue. At least I'll be able to see her get married, tissue please!
I have horses back in my life. Something I did not even realize was missing, but God knows horses are a huge part of me. Cowboy Bill, the man who runs the barn has given me an open invite to come out whether anyone is there or not. And as if that's not enough, Cowboy Bill reminds me a TON of Lee Gates, my mom's boyfriend of 7 years who died in a tragic ultralight airplane crash when I was a freshman in high school. After drinking, druging, and stuffing that fact for 6 years I sobered up my senior year of college. Over the past 5 and a half years, I have dealt with the pain of losing Lee. I have experienced layers upon layers of this healing "onion" and at times have become inpatient wondering "haven't I dealt with this? When will I quit crying about this?" All that to say, when I look at Cowboy Bill for too long I get chocked up and tears stream down my face. Only God. In different facets of my life, I see miracles every day. I am so truely blessed I can hardly stand it!
Here I sit in the International House of Prayer prayer room, soaking in His presence. I got to soak up the mights of Laura Hackett leading a set and then as she sat in the prayer room during Misty's set, I gave her a love note. It said, "I always told myself I'd THANK YOU if I got the chance, so Thank you for allowing the good Lord to use you. Your songs have gotten me THRU some rough things. Thanks for your willingness. Love, Stephanie Hillis p.s. If there's any chance we can be friends, give me a call or something (919) 360-4656". When I handed it to her, she asked, "This is from you?", I went and sat down and after she read it, she looked at me with her hand on her heart and said "thanks". Here are some of the sweeeeet lyrics she shared today:
"catch me up in Your story, all my life for Your glory"
"Put me anywhere
just put Your glory in me
I'll serve anywhere
just let me see Your beauty"
This has been my experience sowing into the lives of the young ladies at the House of Hope.

God works in obvious ways

Although it has felt like a mess of a mystery, I am beginning to see glimpses of why things have gone astray lately. The Lord loves for me to lean on Him, trust in Him, give Him His rightful control in my life (which I have an awful habit of snatching and attempting to do things in my own strength). I know, you may think I am strong, but that's just not so- I am weak and He is strong.
So I have sat myself down to tell you a tale of this last month of my life because I have promised the details, thank you for your patience! Fuffle is currently snuggled on my feet and I have peace in my heart.
Thursday August the 18th (4 weeks ago exactly) Kendall, Jayme, and I were traveling WEST. [Side note- Kendall and Jayme are two of the greatest friends I could ever ask for, and my favorite part is the Lord just gave 'em to me, I didn't even have to ask.] It was a 20 hour drive, we had some fun, we had tons of laughs, we got to my new home and job safely. Then all hell seemed to break loose. We arrived to find an awful living condition, we were in shock. Although the Program Manager had informed me Wednesday night (cars were all packed, we were leaving the next morning) that I would indeed have a roommate and our "apartment" was in the residential facility with the 54 girls there for treatment, I was not prepared becasue I was under the impression that I would have my own apartment on campus but seperate from the facility. The AC in the apartment was not working, the overhead light in the kitchen did not work, and the carpets were disguisting. I kept telling myself that when the Israelites entered the Promise Land they had to begin to fend for themselves, God was no longer providing manna. My friends appreciated my humble heart to make it work but didn't feel right about leaving without at least trying to find me a better living situation. We spent Saturday seaching and found some great posibilites. Unfortunately my Grandpa Darley passed away that morning, and on top of all my upset for having moved and feeling deceived, I was of little use. But God gave me Kendall and Jayme who were mighty warriors to persevere. At one point they just left me in the car and went and spoke with the apartment reps to gather information. We grabbed dinner then checked into a hotel. We were all pretty spent, our ability to think and funtion were hindered. It wasn't long before my keys were locked in my car, and minor melt-downs were occuring. But we got through it. Sunday morning I dropped them at the airport when I felt my heart breaking. How was I supposed to make it without them holding me up? I headed directly to the IHOP prayer room, where the Lord broke down my walls of survival mode. I spent Sunday evening with another friend the Lord has blessed me with, Sarah, she and I actually lived together back in Greenville before she moved out here 2 years ago (to get as far away from me as possible, haha, that's a joke- but seriously, neither one of us imagined we'd be good friends today. Sarah has been a great source of encouragement this past month as I have faced many challenges.)
Monday morning I met with my new boss to explore my living off campus (he clarified this is not an option), I asked if my rent could be less (not an option), I asked if the $500 I pay in rent could go back into the apartment for carpet and other needs (he didn't seem to take that option seriously). Meanwhile, he told me to be patient, treating me like I'm a snob to have standards. I left the meeting very discouraged, wondering if I was even suppossed to be under this man's authority. Tuesday morning I returned to the IHOP prayer room and was able to catch a spot for prophecy. The words I recieved were ON POINT, things like "God is going to bring clarity to what you're supposed to be doing" "opportunities to minister to kids who are spiritual orphans" "hiking up a mountain, on a hard journey by yourself, but there's joy in it, you're paving the way for the next generation". All that to say, I felt like the Lord confirmed my working and growing where He'd planted me. So I woke up Wednesday morning 100% committed to the job I came here for. I began training for my new job and a mere four hours later, my boss "let me go" becasue "it's not a good fit"... I was dumbfounded. I was confused, wondering 'Lord, I thought we talked about this and had it all figured out, I can overcome the circumstances...'
I spent the majority of Thursday at the IHOP prayer room, packed a lunch and everything. Crying, praying, searching, sitting at His feet, crying, praising, resting, you get the picture. As I was leaving, I saw a woman I'd met and prayed with on Tuesday, Deborah. I caught her up on the events which had occured, and she thought to connect me with a friend of her's, Ali. As I was jotting down my contact info for Deborah to give to Ali the next time she saw her, Ali walks in. Ya'll, this was a divine moment. I was still pretty beat and raw, but I told Ali a little about myself. She interrupted me to call her boss, Marilyn- founder of the Kansas City House of Hope. I had an interview with Marilyn the next morning. I decided to fast on Friday to seek clarity in what the Lord had for me- becasue I obviously could not figure it out. The interview went relatively well, I definitely had some hot mess moments which probably worked to my advantage. You see, it's my wrong thinking that I should have it all together, but Marilyn needed to see that I do not have it all together, that I am teachable. Friday night I met two of Sarah's friends, Ashley and Alyssa. Both of whom I adore. The next morning I moved in with Sarah and Alyssa because Ashley doesn't need her room until October 1st. I have so enjoyed calling this place home and am now searching for my next home. The journey continues and I am believing for great things.
After shadowing at the House of Hope, and then leading with Liz (whose been working there for 3 years) there to help when I needed it, I have been hired. Yes, praise God I am employed! I was made to help, my purpose in life is to assist in the healing process in an individual's life. I am so excited to work with the 9 girls who are currently there. It's going to rock my world, try my patience like nothing else. Let the stretching continue, the refining by fire. God has so many awesome plans for me.
There have been really rough times in the waiting, in the emotional rawness. My 27th Birthday (Sept 8th) was especially rough as I could not settle myself. I was restless, irritable, and discontent. But that passed. I have availed myself to people who build me up, share with and encourage me in the solution, pray for me, and listen as I go through difficult things. Going through is the important part, not just getting around it. Change can be exhilerating, but when it doesn't go my way, it's rather exhausting! The most exhausting part is rehearsing the negative events over and over, so I am glad it's all out in written form now! Things are looking up.
Lending hope is the name of the game. Earlier today I returned to the Health Department to get my negative TB test results and get he FLU shot. The nurse was a mess, I watched her as she spiraled out of control, for a selfish second I thought of myself and how I rather her not come near me with a needle. Then I snapped into reality, I have tools for getting through life that she needs. I waited for her to pause and asked if she knew the serenity prayer. She said she says it a thousand times a day (still super hyped up). I told her how it works better for me if I'll slow down or even stop, close my eyes, and then say it. She took a deep breath and realized I knew where she was coming from. She calmed down, and began to be emotional because other people have been telling her similar things and one lady even gave her a Bible. I asked if she had a car, if the car had a manual, and how I believe the Bible is a manual for our lives. She settled even more, I told her how I used to struggle with drug abuse. She admitted that she's recently relapsed and I basically let her know that I could recognize a lot of the symptoms. I made many suggestions, I offered tons of hope, I expressed how much her Father in Heaven loves her and is pursuing her, then I prayed for her. She will never be the same. I will call her when she gets off work at 5 today. I was made to lend hope.