1 Peter 1: 6-7 "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
All my life I have struggled with the desire (or, actually, the lie from the pit of hell) to be perfect. In the past few weeks I have dealt with a ton of stress, worry, anxiety, self-pity, and self-righteousness... bad combo, I wouldn't try this at home! Last week I was with a group of people who gather for the common purpose of living a better life, one day at a time. I sat amongst my friends, pondering 'What's the deal Steph? What's wrong with you?' Then it hit me. In an effort to 'have it all together' (one of perfection's many faces) I had placed the expectation on myself that 'I should be well adjusted'.
Instead of giving myself grace and mercy, instead of being easy on me during this first holiday season 1200 miles away from home; away from my bff who just happens to be preparing for one of the most important and exciting days of her life (being a long distance Maid of Honor); away from my 4 year old, and 9 month old nephews; healing from losing a job and umm, BEGINNING another job; moving several times; and praising God through it all because He is Mighty and worthy of my adoration. Yuup, I SHOULD be fine, I should be well adjusted... what I really need is to quit "shoulding" all over myself. How's about loving myself, encouraging myself, letting other's words of affirmation sink in.
So, back to the meeting where this revelation hit me. A girl came up to me afterward, to give me a hug because I was crying and falling apart. She told me, "Stephanie, this is the second time I have looked at you from across the room and thought to myself, 'look at her, she's moved all the way from NC and is doing so well, I've only moved from an hour away, I need to be more like her'" This is where I cut her off and inserted, "I am so glad that my mess can prove to you that perfection is not the goal." We laughed together and processed the deep truth of the fact that perfection is a form of insanity. A week has passed now, she and I went out for lunch today to further our conversation. She's just 21 years old and is thankful I'm in her life. My willingness to be brutally honest about my experiences encourages others. Who'd a thunk it?
What a relief to be a real, genuine person today. How nice it is to 'let it all hang out', the Lord blesses me with ample opportunities to remain humble. Others can relate to my mess, not to a false ideal of who I think I should be. I ask the Lord to use me, and He is so faithful. I am not to place parameters on what "Lord, use me" is going to look like. It turns out "The foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." (1 Corinthians 1:25).
I think that's all I wanted to say. It takes what it takes to get where I'm going. I hope you'll press in to what God's doing in your life.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Really bad things happen to really good people
I believe Jesus is perfect, when it comes to being good, He's the best you'll come by. Jesus was betrayed by one of His closest friends (ouch), He was captured and tortured (double ouch), and then killed (super ouch). He was seperated from Himself, from His Father God, for the first time since the beginning. Jesus and God had been sharing everything in the way of GLORY until He came to take on the sins of the world. Jesus experienced a hard life in human form, to ultimately die so that I (we) may have life here on Earth and for eternity. I get to spend eternity with my Savior becasue some really crappy things happened to Him.
Yesterday as I read John 13: 26-30, 26 Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 27 As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” 28 But no one at the meal understood why Jesus said this to him. 29 Since Judas had charge of the money, some thought Jesus was telling him to buy what was needed for the festival, or to give something to the poor. 30 As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.
I tried to put myself in the disciples shoes, I wonder if they beat themselves up for not paying closer attention, if they thought back to this encounter and wished they could have done more, if they felt helpless looking back on it. I think I would have tried to beat up Judas or something... BUT it was the will of God. Things can look bad but be the will of God.
In my own life, I'm told I am a good person. I'm reminded of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, patience, and self-control. You see, I am a good person, God has given me the fruit of His Spirit, so I am full of goodness! Today, I'm able to appreciate the trials and tribulation I recently endured. I now realize God had to get me to Kansas somehow! But in the midst of the waiting back in NC for a job... and traveling half way across the country to lose the job, wait some more for another job and be challenged in many ways, I couldn't help but ask, "why is this crap happening to me?" There was a period of several weeks where I questioned His will and His ways, just as I am sure the disciples questioned Jesus for surrendering so easily and God for allowing Him to die. OH but the consequesnces were many AND His glory was revealed when He came back to walk with them for 40 more days and THEN He sent His Holy Spirit.
Here is where I come to the conclusion, bad things must happen to good people. I had to be tested to make sure there was goodness at the core of my being, if everything is easy going and simple how will we ever know if we're actually good? If I am never tested, how will people see the goodness in me as I face rough times. How will they tell us believers apart from any ol person?
The girls at the House of Hope, where I have been employed and walking in my destiny for several weeks now feel as though they are being tortured. They will one day look back on their experience and see that they've been set free from the chains like Daniel- refined by fire. Let the burning begin!
Another point I'd like to explore from John 13 is verse 27 "As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him." How often are we in the presence of someone who we've been walking alongside for years and evil enters them? Rhetorical question, just something to think about. And worse yet, Jesus gave him the bread that allowed Satan to enter... are you willing to follow God's plan for your life? Even if it means doing something contrary to popular belief?
Wow, I'm walking in my destiny... that's a bold statement. And how cool to know about it while it's happening. What a blessing to be present for the blessing. I don't have to wait and look back on it to enjoy it. Here are the words of prophecy I received from the International House of Prayer:
(August 23)You’re such a special treasure, the Lord has gifted you with the ability to love well. You can love well, a lover of him and others. Are you married? He’s given you the ability to love other well, and be a faithful servant. Lay your life down in that place of service, giving of your heart, self, and time. Such a treasure to the Lord the way you do that and into giving to Him. New season ahead, shifting you into new things, awakening in your heart. Stirring your heart for Him, a new hunger for Him. Unlock the gifts of the Spirit, greater dimensions moving in the Spirit, healing and prophecy.
Ministry opportunities, a clarity in calling and direction,“what exactly am I supposed to do?” You don’t get all the information at once, but the Lord is laying things out for you to run in that direction.
A picture of you hiking, on an adventure exploring new territory. Paving the way for the next generation. The Lord is going to bring you to a place of working with children who are spiritual orphans, parents are there but didn’t provide spiritual place to grow. He’s taking you to work with those kids, I’m paving/ leading the way for them so they can have the Spiritual life their parents didn’t give them. He’s leading me on that in this next season. It’s going to be a really good time, there’s a lot of joy. I’m not scared at all, even though I am hiking alone, because this is for them this is so good there’s joy in it and I’m confident that the Lord is leading me to the right place where I need to be.
Opportunities ministry wise in the South. Southern US or Mexican region.
(August 30)Precious to HIm, my little girl, I like her a lot, she’s fun, I like to spend time with her, I like when she opens the Word it’s exciting I get to talk to her and use my words I like how she thinks and enjoys little quirks, she sees things differently from others, brings it back to me we talk about it and go deep. Word studies are natural for me, it’ll stand out and I’ll look it up and I’ll go deeper, prayer room, walks, whatever I do He enjoys it. Psalm 1:3 a tree planted by the rivers that brings forth it’s fruit, whatever he does shall prosper. Interesting picture: your heart with a dark swirl around you, even at your legs you feel tied, you feel a darkness around you but the Lord wants to encourage you that there’s a breakthrough coming, keep contending in that place for the breakthrough. In the midst of the swirl and darkness as the breakthrough comes there’s an invitation, grace from God for another level of holiness. There might be different areas He speaks to you about- invitations from Him, as you fight and contend for this breakthrough, there’s grace for it. The kingdom of heaven suffers, but the violent take it by force. the Lord will give you grace to contend, pray in the Spirit, when we don’t have the strength, we ask Holy Spirit will you help me. He’ll give you the practicals of learning how to fight, an equipping season, the weapons for our right hand or left, and even though it’s dark you’ll come out thankful for all that He did during this time.
God read my mail up one side and down the other, He gave me hope when I was in a dry and weary land. Oh how He loves us!
And then there are the videos I have from friends back in NC, I asked them to sit in front of my laptop and say nice things... which hurt to listen to when I felt let down... but after watching them the other day I can see how prophetic they are. Speaking of NC, I miss my friends. Who would have thought that the day I became Jayme's maid of honor, something we'd been planning for years (we just needed her husband in the equation), that I'd have to carry out that task from such a distance? But God knows what He's doing, even if I don't have a clue. At least I'll be able to see her get married, tissue please!
I have horses back in my life. Something I did not even realize was missing, but God knows horses are a huge part of me. Cowboy Bill, the man who runs the barn has given me an open invite to come out whether anyone is there or not. And as if that's not enough, Cowboy Bill reminds me a TON of Lee Gates, my mom's boyfriend of 7 years who died in a tragic ultralight airplane crash when I was a freshman in high school. After drinking, druging, and stuffing that fact for 6 years I sobered up my senior year of college. Over the past 5 and a half years, I have dealt with the pain of losing Lee. I have experienced layers upon layers of this healing "onion" and at times have become inpatient wondering "haven't I dealt with this? When will I quit crying about this?" All that to say, when I look at Cowboy Bill for too long I get chocked up and tears stream down my face. Only God. In different facets of my life, I see miracles every day. I am so truely blessed I can hardly stand it!
Here I sit in the International House of Prayer prayer room, soaking in His presence. I got to soak up the mights of Laura Hackett leading a set and then as she sat in the prayer room during Misty's set, I gave her a love note. It said, "I always told myself I'd THANK YOU if I got the chance, so Thank you for allowing the good Lord to use you. Your songs have gotten me THRU some rough things. Thanks for your willingness. Love, Stephanie Hillis p.s. If there's any chance we can be friends, give me a call or something (919) 360-4656". When I handed it to her, she asked, "This is from you?", I went and sat down and after she read it, she looked at me with her hand on her heart and said "thanks". Here are some of the sweeeeet lyrics she shared today:
"catch me up in Your story, all my life for Your glory"
"Put me anywhere
just put Your glory in me
I'll serve anywhere
just let me see Your beauty"
This has been my experience sowing into the lives of the young ladies at the House of Hope.
Yesterday as I read John 13: 26-30, 26 Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 27 As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” 28 But no one at the meal understood why Jesus said this to him. 29 Since Judas had charge of the money, some thought Jesus was telling him to buy what was needed for the festival, or to give something to the poor. 30 As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.
I tried to put myself in the disciples shoes, I wonder if they beat themselves up for not paying closer attention, if they thought back to this encounter and wished they could have done more, if they felt helpless looking back on it. I think I would have tried to beat up Judas or something... BUT it was the will of God. Things can look bad but be the will of God.
In my own life, I'm told I am a good person. I'm reminded of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, patience, and self-control. You see, I am a good person, God has given me the fruit of His Spirit, so I am full of goodness! Today, I'm able to appreciate the trials and tribulation I recently endured. I now realize God had to get me to Kansas somehow! But in the midst of the waiting back in NC for a job... and traveling half way across the country to lose the job, wait some more for another job and be challenged in many ways, I couldn't help but ask, "why is this crap happening to me?" There was a period of several weeks where I questioned His will and His ways, just as I am sure the disciples questioned Jesus for surrendering so easily and God for allowing Him to die. OH but the consequesnces were many AND His glory was revealed when He came back to walk with them for 40 more days and THEN He sent His Holy Spirit.
Here is where I come to the conclusion, bad things must happen to good people. I had to be tested to make sure there was goodness at the core of my being, if everything is easy going and simple how will we ever know if we're actually good? If I am never tested, how will people see the goodness in me as I face rough times. How will they tell us believers apart from any ol person?
The girls at the House of Hope, where I have been employed and walking in my destiny for several weeks now feel as though they are being tortured. They will one day look back on their experience and see that they've been set free from the chains like Daniel- refined by fire. Let the burning begin!
Another point I'd like to explore from John 13 is verse 27 "As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him." How often are we in the presence of someone who we've been walking alongside for years and evil enters them? Rhetorical question, just something to think about. And worse yet, Jesus gave him the bread that allowed Satan to enter... are you willing to follow God's plan for your life? Even if it means doing something contrary to popular belief?
Wow, I'm walking in my destiny... that's a bold statement. And how cool to know about it while it's happening. What a blessing to be present for the blessing. I don't have to wait and look back on it to enjoy it. Here are the words of prophecy I received from the International House of Prayer:
(August 23)You’re such a special treasure, the Lord has gifted you with the ability to love well. You can love well, a lover of him and others. Are you married? He’s given you the ability to love other well, and be a faithful servant. Lay your life down in that place of service, giving of your heart, self, and time. Such a treasure to the Lord the way you do that and into giving to Him. New season ahead, shifting you into new things, awakening in your heart. Stirring your heart for Him, a new hunger for Him. Unlock the gifts of the Spirit, greater dimensions moving in the Spirit, healing and prophecy.
Ministry opportunities, a clarity in calling and direction,“what exactly am I supposed to do?” You don’t get all the information at once, but the Lord is laying things out for you to run in that direction.
A picture of you hiking, on an adventure exploring new territory. Paving the way for the next generation. The Lord is going to bring you to a place of working with children who are spiritual orphans, parents are there but didn’t provide spiritual place to grow. He’s taking you to work with those kids, I’m paving/ leading the way for them so they can have the Spiritual life their parents didn’t give them. He’s leading me on that in this next season. It’s going to be a really good time, there’s a lot of joy. I’m not scared at all, even though I am hiking alone, because this is for them this is so good there’s joy in it and I’m confident that the Lord is leading me to the right place where I need to be.
Opportunities ministry wise in the South. Southern US or Mexican region.
(August 30)Precious to HIm, my little girl, I like her a lot, she’s fun, I like to spend time with her, I like when she opens the Word it’s exciting I get to talk to her and use my words I like how she thinks and enjoys little quirks, she sees things differently from others, brings it back to me we talk about it and go deep. Word studies are natural for me, it’ll stand out and I’ll look it up and I’ll go deeper, prayer room, walks, whatever I do He enjoys it. Psalm 1:3 a tree planted by the rivers that brings forth it’s fruit, whatever he does shall prosper. Interesting picture: your heart with a dark swirl around you, even at your legs you feel tied, you feel a darkness around you but the Lord wants to encourage you that there’s a breakthrough coming, keep contending in that place for the breakthrough. In the midst of the swirl and darkness as the breakthrough comes there’s an invitation, grace from God for another level of holiness. There might be different areas He speaks to you about- invitations from Him, as you fight and contend for this breakthrough, there’s grace for it. The kingdom of heaven suffers, but the violent take it by force. the Lord will give you grace to contend, pray in the Spirit, when we don’t have the strength, we ask Holy Spirit will you help me. He’ll give you the practicals of learning how to fight, an equipping season, the weapons for our right hand or left, and even though it’s dark you’ll come out thankful for all that He did during this time.
God read my mail up one side and down the other, He gave me hope when I was in a dry and weary land. Oh how He loves us!
And then there are the videos I have from friends back in NC, I asked them to sit in front of my laptop and say nice things... which hurt to listen to when I felt let down... but after watching them the other day I can see how prophetic they are. Speaking of NC, I miss my friends. Who would have thought that the day I became Jayme's maid of honor, something we'd been planning for years (we just needed her husband in the equation), that I'd have to carry out that task from such a distance? But God knows what He's doing, even if I don't have a clue. At least I'll be able to see her get married, tissue please!
I have horses back in my life. Something I did not even realize was missing, but God knows horses are a huge part of me. Cowboy Bill, the man who runs the barn has given me an open invite to come out whether anyone is there or not. And as if that's not enough, Cowboy Bill reminds me a TON of Lee Gates, my mom's boyfriend of 7 years who died in a tragic ultralight airplane crash when I was a freshman in high school. After drinking, druging, and stuffing that fact for 6 years I sobered up my senior year of college. Over the past 5 and a half years, I have dealt with the pain of losing Lee. I have experienced layers upon layers of this healing "onion" and at times have become inpatient wondering "haven't I dealt with this? When will I quit crying about this?" All that to say, when I look at Cowboy Bill for too long I get chocked up and tears stream down my face. Only God. In different facets of my life, I see miracles every day. I am so truely blessed I can hardly stand it!
Here I sit in the International House of Prayer prayer room, soaking in His presence. I got to soak up the mights of Laura Hackett leading a set and then as she sat in the prayer room during Misty's set, I gave her a love note. It said, "I always told myself I'd THANK YOU if I got the chance, so Thank you for allowing the good Lord to use you. Your songs have gotten me THRU some rough things. Thanks for your willingness. Love, Stephanie Hillis p.s. If there's any chance we can be friends, give me a call or something (919) 360-4656". When I handed it to her, she asked, "This is from you?", I went and sat down and after she read it, she looked at me with her hand on her heart and said "thanks". Here are some of the sweeeeet lyrics she shared today:
"catch me up in Your story, all my life for Your glory"
"Put me anywhere
just put Your glory in me
I'll serve anywhere
just let me see Your beauty"
This has been my experience sowing into the lives of the young ladies at the House of Hope.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
God works in obvious ways
Although it has felt like a mess of a mystery, I am beginning to see glimpses of why things have gone astray lately. The Lord loves for me to lean on Him, trust in Him, give Him His rightful control in my life (which I have an awful habit of snatching and attempting to do things in my own strength). I know, you may think I am strong, but that's just not so- I am weak and He is strong.
So I have sat myself down to tell you a tale of this last month of my life because I have promised the details, thank you for your patience! Fuffle is currently snuggled on my feet and I have peace in my heart.
Thursday August the 18th (4 weeks ago exactly) Kendall, Jayme, and I were traveling WEST. [Side note- Kendall and Jayme are two of the greatest friends I could ever ask for, and my favorite part is the Lord just gave 'em to me, I didn't even have to ask.] It was a 20 hour drive, we had some fun, we had tons of laughs, we got to my new home and job safely. Then all hell seemed to break loose. We arrived to find an awful living condition, we were in shock. Although the Program Manager had informed me Wednesday night (cars were all packed, we were leaving the next morning) that I would indeed have a roommate and our "apartment" was in the residential facility with the 54 girls there for treatment, I was not prepared becasue I was under the impression that I would have my own apartment on campus but seperate from the facility. The AC in the apartment was not working, the overhead light in the kitchen did not work, and the carpets were disguisting. I kept telling myself that when the Israelites entered the Promise Land they had to begin to fend for themselves, God was no longer providing manna. My friends appreciated my humble heart to make it work but didn't feel right about leaving without at least trying to find me a better living situation. We spent Saturday seaching and found some great posibilites. Unfortunately my Grandpa Darley passed away that morning, and on top of all my upset for having moved and feeling deceived, I was of little use. But God gave me Kendall and Jayme who were mighty warriors to persevere. At one point they just left me in the car and went and spoke with the apartment reps to gather information. We grabbed dinner then checked into a hotel. We were all pretty spent, our ability to think and funtion were hindered. It wasn't long before my keys were locked in my car, and minor melt-downs were occuring. But we got through it. Sunday morning I dropped them at the airport when I felt my heart breaking. How was I supposed to make it without them holding me up? I headed directly to the IHOP prayer room, where the Lord broke down my walls of survival mode. I spent Sunday evening with another friend the Lord has blessed me with, Sarah, she and I actually lived together back in Greenville before she moved out here 2 years ago (to get as far away from me as possible, haha, that's a joke- but seriously, neither one of us imagined we'd be good friends today. Sarah has been a great source of encouragement this past month as I have faced many challenges.)
Monday morning I met with my new boss to explore my living off campus (he clarified this is not an option), I asked if my rent could be less (not an option), I asked if the $500 I pay in rent could go back into the apartment for carpet and other needs (he didn't seem to take that option seriously). Meanwhile, he told me to be patient, treating me like I'm a snob to have standards. I left the meeting very discouraged, wondering if I was even suppossed to be under this man's authority. Tuesday morning I returned to the IHOP prayer room and was able to catch a spot for prophecy. The words I recieved were ON POINT, things like "God is going to bring clarity to what you're supposed to be doing" "opportunities to minister to kids who are spiritual orphans" "hiking up a mountain, on a hard journey by yourself, but there's joy in it, you're paving the way for the next generation". All that to say, I felt like the Lord confirmed my working and growing where He'd planted me. So I woke up Wednesday morning 100% committed to the job I came here for. I began training for my new job and a mere four hours later, my boss "let me go" becasue "it's not a good fit"... I was dumbfounded. I was confused, wondering 'Lord, I thought we talked about this and had it all figured out, I can overcome the circumstances...'
I spent the majority of Thursday at the IHOP prayer room, packed a lunch and everything. Crying, praying, searching, sitting at His feet, crying, praising, resting, you get the picture. As I was leaving, I saw a woman I'd met and prayed with on Tuesday, Deborah. I caught her up on the events which had occured, and she thought to connect me with a friend of her's, Ali. As I was jotting down my contact info for Deborah to give to Ali the next time she saw her, Ali walks in. Ya'll, this was a divine moment. I was still pretty beat and raw, but I told Ali a little about myself. She interrupted me to call her boss, Marilyn- founder of the Kansas City House of Hope. I had an interview with Marilyn the next morning. I decided to fast on Friday to seek clarity in what the Lord had for me- becasue I obviously could not figure it out. The interview went relatively well, I definitely had some hot mess moments which probably worked to my advantage. You see, it's my wrong thinking that I should have it all together, but Marilyn needed to see that I do not have it all together, that I am teachable. Friday night I met two of Sarah's friends, Ashley and Alyssa. Both of whom I adore. The next morning I moved in with Sarah and Alyssa because Ashley doesn't need her room until October 1st. I have so enjoyed calling this place home and am now searching for my next home. The journey continues and I am believing for great things.
After shadowing at the House of Hope, and then leading with Liz (whose been working there for 3 years) there to help when I needed it, I have been hired. Yes, praise God I am employed! I was made to help, my purpose in life is to assist in the healing process in an individual's life. I am so excited to work with the 9 girls who are currently there. It's going to rock my world, try my patience like nothing else. Let the stretching continue, the refining by fire. God has so many awesome plans for me.
There have been really rough times in the waiting, in the emotional rawness. My 27th Birthday (Sept 8th) was especially rough as I could not settle myself. I was restless, irritable, and discontent. But that passed. I have availed myself to people who build me up, share with and encourage me in the solution, pray for me, and listen as I go through difficult things. Going through is the important part, not just getting around it. Change can be exhilerating, but when it doesn't go my way, it's rather exhausting! The most exhausting part is rehearsing the negative events over and over, so I am glad it's all out in written form now! Things are looking up.
Lending hope is the name of the game. Earlier today I returned to the Health Department to get my negative TB test results and get he FLU shot. The nurse was a mess, I watched her as she spiraled out of control, for a selfish second I thought of myself and how I rather her not come near me with a needle. Then I snapped into reality, I have tools for getting through life that she needs. I waited for her to pause and asked if she knew the serenity prayer. She said she says it a thousand times a day (still super hyped up). I told her how it works better for me if I'll slow down or even stop, close my eyes, and then say it. She took a deep breath and realized I knew where she was coming from. She calmed down, and began to be emotional because other people have been telling her similar things and one lady even gave her a Bible. I asked if she had a car, if the car had a manual, and how I believe the Bible is a manual for our lives. She settled even more, I told her how I used to struggle with drug abuse. She admitted that she's recently relapsed and I basically let her know that I could recognize a lot of the symptoms. I made many suggestions, I offered tons of hope, I expressed how much her Father in Heaven loves her and is pursuing her, then I prayed for her. She will never be the same. I will call her when she gets off work at 5 today. I was made to lend hope.
So I have sat myself down to tell you a tale of this last month of my life because I have promised the details, thank you for your patience! Fuffle is currently snuggled on my feet and I have peace in my heart.
Thursday August the 18th (4 weeks ago exactly) Kendall, Jayme, and I were traveling WEST. [Side note- Kendall and Jayme are two of the greatest friends I could ever ask for, and my favorite part is the Lord just gave 'em to me, I didn't even have to ask.] It was a 20 hour drive, we had some fun, we had tons of laughs, we got to my new home and job safely. Then all hell seemed to break loose. We arrived to find an awful living condition, we were in shock. Although the Program Manager had informed me Wednesday night (cars were all packed, we were leaving the next morning) that I would indeed have a roommate and our "apartment" was in the residential facility with the 54 girls there for treatment, I was not prepared becasue I was under the impression that I would have my own apartment on campus but seperate from the facility. The AC in the apartment was not working, the overhead light in the kitchen did not work, and the carpets were disguisting. I kept telling myself that when the Israelites entered the Promise Land they had to begin to fend for themselves, God was no longer providing manna. My friends appreciated my humble heart to make it work but didn't feel right about leaving without at least trying to find me a better living situation. We spent Saturday seaching and found some great posibilites. Unfortunately my Grandpa Darley passed away that morning, and on top of all my upset for having moved and feeling deceived, I was of little use. But God gave me Kendall and Jayme who were mighty warriors to persevere. At one point they just left me in the car and went and spoke with the apartment reps to gather information. We grabbed dinner then checked into a hotel. We were all pretty spent, our ability to think and funtion were hindered. It wasn't long before my keys were locked in my car, and minor melt-downs were occuring. But we got through it. Sunday morning I dropped them at the airport when I felt my heart breaking. How was I supposed to make it without them holding me up? I headed directly to the IHOP prayer room, where the Lord broke down my walls of survival mode. I spent Sunday evening with another friend the Lord has blessed me with, Sarah, she and I actually lived together back in Greenville before she moved out here 2 years ago (to get as far away from me as possible, haha, that's a joke- but seriously, neither one of us imagined we'd be good friends today. Sarah has been a great source of encouragement this past month as I have faced many challenges.)
Monday morning I met with my new boss to explore my living off campus (he clarified this is not an option), I asked if my rent could be less (not an option), I asked if the $500 I pay in rent could go back into the apartment for carpet and other needs (he didn't seem to take that option seriously). Meanwhile, he told me to be patient, treating me like I'm a snob to have standards. I left the meeting very discouraged, wondering if I was even suppossed to be under this man's authority. Tuesday morning I returned to the IHOP prayer room and was able to catch a spot for prophecy. The words I recieved were ON POINT, things like "God is going to bring clarity to what you're supposed to be doing" "opportunities to minister to kids who are spiritual orphans" "hiking up a mountain, on a hard journey by yourself, but there's joy in it, you're paving the way for the next generation". All that to say, I felt like the Lord confirmed my working and growing where He'd planted me. So I woke up Wednesday morning 100% committed to the job I came here for. I began training for my new job and a mere four hours later, my boss "let me go" becasue "it's not a good fit"... I was dumbfounded. I was confused, wondering 'Lord, I thought we talked about this and had it all figured out, I can overcome the circumstances...'
I spent the majority of Thursday at the IHOP prayer room, packed a lunch and everything. Crying, praying, searching, sitting at His feet, crying, praising, resting, you get the picture. As I was leaving, I saw a woman I'd met and prayed with on Tuesday, Deborah. I caught her up on the events which had occured, and she thought to connect me with a friend of her's, Ali. As I was jotting down my contact info for Deborah to give to Ali the next time she saw her, Ali walks in. Ya'll, this was a divine moment. I was still pretty beat and raw, but I told Ali a little about myself. She interrupted me to call her boss, Marilyn- founder of the Kansas City House of Hope. I had an interview with Marilyn the next morning. I decided to fast on Friday to seek clarity in what the Lord had for me- becasue I obviously could not figure it out. The interview went relatively well, I definitely had some hot mess moments which probably worked to my advantage. You see, it's my wrong thinking that I should have it all together, but Marilyn needed to see that I do not have it all together, that I am teachable. Friday night I met two of Sarah's friends, Ashley and Alyssa. Both of whom I adore. The next morning I moved in with Sarah and Alyssa because Ashley doesn't need her room until October 1st. I have so enjoyed calling this place home and am now searching for my next home. The journey continues and I am believing for great things.
After shadowing at the House of Hope, and then leading with Liz (whose been working there for 3 years) there to help when I needed it, I have been hired. Yes, praise God I am employed! I was made to help, my purpose in life is to assist in the healing process in an individual's life. I am so excited to work with the 9 girls who are currently there. It's going to rock my world, try my patience like nothing else. Let the stretching continue, the refining by fire. God has so many awesome plans for me.
There have been really rough times in the waiting, in the emotional rawness. My 27th Birthday (Sept 8th) was especially rough as I could not settle myself. I was restless, irritable, and discontent. But that passed. I have availed myself to people who build me up, share with and encourage me in the solution, pray for me, and listen as I go through difficult things. Going through is the important part, not just getting around it. Change can be exhilerating, but when it doesn't go my way, it's rather exhausting! The most exhausting part is rehearsing the negative events over and over, so I am glad it's all out in written form now! Things are looking up.
Lending hope is the name of the game. Earlier today I returned to the Health Department to get my negative TB test results and get he FLU shot. The nurse was a mess, I watched her as she spiraled out of control, for a selfish second I thought of myself and how I rather her not come near me with a needle. Then I snapped into reality, I have tools for getting through life that she needs. I waited for her to pause and asked if she knew the serenity prayer. She said she says it a thousand times a day (still super hyped up). I told her how it works better for me if I'll slow down or even stop, close my eyes, and then say it. She took a deep breath and realized I knew where she was coming from. She calmed down, and began to be emotional because other people have been telling her similar things and one lady even gave her a Bible. I asked if she had a car, if the car had a manual, and how I believe the Bible is a manual for our lives. She settled even more, I told her how I used to struggle with drug abuse. She admitted that she's recently relapsed and I basically let her know that I could recognize a lot of the symptoms. I made many suggestions, I offered tons of hope, I expressed how much her Father in Heaven loves her and is pursuing her, then I prayed for her. She will never be the same. I will call her when she gets off work at 5 today. I was made to lend hope.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
There's nothing else like time with my mom
Here I am with Panda and Lucy (who we had to lock up when we ate because they got ferocious sense we were cooking bacon in their domain). Let me know if these are the things you had to worry about over your Christmas break...
Here is THE breakfast of Champions!! And this is my beloved mother adding paper to the fire.
Here is THE breakfast of Champions!! And this is my beloved mother adding paper to the fire.
Spending time with my mom is like being on a constant adventure! I often think to myself, "nobody I know is doing this right now." Let's take December 26, 2010 for example. We wake up to no electricity, which was a rude awakening considering her house only has space heaters and tends to be on the chilly side. So, no electricity added quite a twist to the climate. Her reaction was to jump back in bed and stay warm. Meanwhile, I had bacon on the brain and thought we should eat. So naturally... we get bundled up, clean the snow out of the fire pit in the back yard, and begin to make a fire. A slow process, mind you.
Here I am putting on a pair of her boots! Lots of layers!!!
Oh... did you think that was it? Well you are truly mistaken. You see, I ended up going to work with my mom at 3pm. I spent approximately 8 hours in this vacant room at an assisted living facility. Yes, I almost lost my mind. Luckily I had books to read, one of which I completed! Oh, and I managed to catch a mouse. I heard a shuffling noise and figured my mom was sliding a note under the door to mess with me, but sure enough it was a lil field mouse. Well I needed some activity in my life... so I chased it and caught it with my bare hands. NOT... it actually climbed into the trash can, so I just closed the bag up and took it to the nurse at the front desk... who called Security. Yuup, that mouse is getting locked up for breaking and entering!
If you'll notice, I didn't have many options, just a wheelchair, a desk, and a mattress. There was a bed in the other room but I didn't want to mess with that! The lighting was horrible, I kept rolling around trying to find the greatest amount of light so I wouldn't stress my eyes.
Here's the kicker, we got home around 11:30pm and went to sleep with NO ELECTRICITY. I thought I was gonna burst with anger, being that cold will make you angry! Plus I knew we could have gone back to her work and slept on that mattress and that bed :-)
PS, I cannot figure out for the life of me how to get the pictures with the correct words... I just wasted 30 minutes of my life trying to change it, in vain!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Real world, baby!
ok, so things are changing and I am hanging on for dear life. My emotions have been a lil raw(well, super raw) lately... I think it has something to do with my sobriety/ sold out to Jesus Birthday coming up. January 21st will mark 5 years that I have been alive in Christ and victorious over addictions- all Glory to God.
On the other hand, there is a ton of transition in and all around my life. For example- It's my second semester at ECU as a campus minister, but first ever Spring semester. My bossman, Nick Jones and his wife have recently taken on being the National Directors of Every Nation Campus Ministries, so Blake has rised up to be the director of Victory Campus Ministries. Nick and Heather will have their 3rd child in the next couple of weeks, a baby girl! Blake and Michelle are having a baby girl in several months, while Alan and Melissa will have a baby boy in several months. This matters because we are a small and tight nit team.
Our Pastor explained how this season of pressure and change is going to be like the transition that occurs in child birth. We're essentially going from the comfort of the womb... through the birth canal (OUCH!!!), to the REAL world! When he said that it's going to be "rocky", Laura noticed that the muscle near my temple began to twitch and pulsate. That was in direct correlation to my thoughts of, "OH, I tought I was experienceing ROCKY... if this isn't rocky..."
Speaking of babies, my brother is getting ready to have a second son and I am very excited for his family. Super excited to meet my new nephew!
And one of my great friends from college is pregnant which is far beyond exciting! It's an awesome testimony of God and His goodness, I'll share one day if she gives me permission! I cannot wait to meet her little baby, or possibly twins! hee hee
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