Holding onto the wrong things

What's so difficult about letting go? Let me share with you the pattern I'm recognizing as my attempt to control the amount of pain I'm willing to experience at a certain time. God tells me that He won't give me more than I can handle. I tell Him, well yea, but let me help you out... I'm not willing to deal with that right now. And He lets me go a while being in the driver's seat. But He loves me too much to let me stay there. I have selfishly taken measures to numb my mind. Yes, my job is exhausting and I struggle to turn off my mind. But in the process of numbing my mind, I have blocked out a potential to heal. Or maybe I've got it all wrong, I am human and I am bound to fall and fail- well duh! So maybe it's just God's perfect timing. He knew I needed 5 months to adjust after all heck breaking loose. And now that I am settled in, I'm able to grieve and heal.
Yes, I am sleep deprived and more susceptible to crying. Yes, I am at the 6 year mark of my new life in Christ and sobriety- this too can make me more sensitive. But with these facts aside, I am L I T E R A L L Y, just now processing my Grandpa's passing.
Oh how the good Lord does use people in my life to help me in the process of letting go. You see, the other day I met an older gentleman who reminded me of my Grandpa Darley. I have always LOVED my Grandpa Darley. We never lived in the same state, so our visits were always jammed packed with fun and love.The last time I saw him was for my brother's wedding in December of 2006. And I'm sad he won't be at my wedding.

Why have I kept myself so insanely busy that I couldn't possibly take a moment to grieve the loss of my Grandpa? Probably because I am simply doing the best I can with what I've got. He passed August 20th, his health had been declining for quite some time. I called him a lot toward the end (super grateful about that) and he was no longer himself. And so when he did pass I wrapped all my emotions in the neat small package of 'it's for the best, he was miserable anyway'. Not to mention I was in the back seat of my own car, Kendall was driving and Jayme was in the passenger's seat. We were trying to find me a home in Missouri seeing as how we'd realized the night before that my "living quarters" at my "new job" were unfit. So yes, my life was a bit topsy turvy.
Next question: why am I blogging about this and not just sticking it in my journal? Not sure, maybe my thoughts will help someone. This life is not my own. It is His, the Lord of Lord's.